Secret Offer for Non-Superpowers:
Limited Expansion Opportunities Now Opening!
NOT A SUPERPOWER YET?
NOT TO WORRY! NOW YOU, TOO, CAN JOIN
CONQUEST, INC., A TIME-SHARING ENTERPRISE
(The Coalition of Willing Sidekicks)
Non-superpowers of the World! Have you given up your dreams of conquest, roasting children, electrocution of genitals, and sexual enslavement of inferior races, because your country is too “civilized” or too weak to push people around, or extradite them to black site prisons or prison islands? Have you given them up because there’s just one superpower and around two dozen dictators these days? Are you thinking, “Lucky Kurtz, he dead! Lucky conquistadors! We live in the wrong times – times in which, for patting the wrong bottom when you were too drunk to know the difference between your 300-pound, 50-year-old wife and a 100-pound, 20-year-old stranger, you can be arrested, imprisoned, and lose your job and reputation; whereas for more fashionable crimes such as running Hollywood bordellos, lying to Congress, shipping arms to contras, and getting down on your knees and pleasuring a married President while he is making phone calls on which the fate of the earth depends, you get million-dollar book deals and your own TV shows, and even . . . perhaps, the American presidency itself!”
Take heart! Thanks to our new Eric Trump enterprise, Conquest, Inc., the pleasures and perks of conquistadorism can be yours … with almost none of the risks, heavy down payments, or public relations damage.
All you have to do is join the peace-keeping forces of The United Slaves of America. This cunning scheme, which combines some elements of the time-sharing concept with other elements of the American Express platinum card membership, will allow you to travel to exotic places at rich donors’ expense, and torture, murder, and rape the locals you were sent to rescue from famine or civil war!
Just one caveat: Leave the boring stuff such as land-grabbing and the off-shore deal-making to the corporate head office, and immerse yourselves in the red meat, the caviar, the point of it all, the meaning of life – to have someone else begging for his life while, with your finger on the trigger-button, you hold the key!
[Continued in the humor collection I Will Not Go the F**k to Sleep or The Mahatma, the Goats, and Young Cats, — one of its stories describes a baby who, like Donald Trump in his television star days, grabs a young cat–though, unlike Trump, the baby grabs a young cat of the feline species.]