Excerpted from the chapter, “The Fourteen Commandments of Impressing the Whites” from my book, Impressing the Whites (a satirical and complex book about race, East, and West–pardon me, the quotation is out of context, and meant to provoke your curiosity):

“The Fifth Commandment saith: Whether or not thou art longitudinally disadvantaged, in totality or in a specific portion of thy anatomy, thou shalt not forget to cultivate a completely asexual appearance and demeanor. The short version of this commandment is: Brown Boy? Down, Boy!

Commentary: For example, never admit in your speech, writing, or emails to having sexual desires, let alone comment on sex loudly—especially within the hearing of a white woman. (See what ultimately happened to Osho Rajneesh, who was booted out of the United States, a well-known retirement haven for former contra thugs and dictators like the late Ferdinand Marcos, while sexually conservative Indian gurus quietly build empires? And see what happened to publishing superstar David Davidar, who had made all the right moves up until that point, except perhaps for being too tall—another decisive failing?) Be subdued in your masculine qualities (if you are a man, that is). Pretend you are far more interested in making money or in spiritual and artistic pursuits than you are in sex. Even better, preach sexual continence, purity, spirituality, and sublimation. (If you’re a woman, of course, a little flirtatious cuteness or bedroom eyes cannot hurt—they might even be an asset.) Eunuchs are cute, after all, and accident-free. And as for money, the Masters appreciate it too, so long as there’s a cut in it for them.