“The Indian Penis Under Siege, or Will the Indian Member Please Stand Up?” is a part comical, part satirical, and wholely penile essay in progress, and was first written in 2002, then further expanded after the steep rise and subsequent “downfall” of Tarun Tejpal, whose books exemplify a fairly assertive Indian penis. At the moment, it is for private circulation only.  2200 words. See Excerpt below.

Around 2200 words.


2002: Recently I heard an American psychiatrist deliver a lecture titled, “The Penis Under Siege.” In it, he spoke in lugubrious tones of the “disenfranchised penis”—disenfranchised, according to him, by rising, cocksure, and madly marauding Western feminism.

Though at first amused by his theory, and even somewhat sympathetic to his dolorous and elegiac tones, these words slowly settled in my brain: “The nerve of him!”

Because the penis whose “declining” privilege he was mourning was the American penis, which had in the previous sixty-odd years imposed itself on most of the rest of the world, even more assertively than the British penis had at one time—because American ICBMs or cruise missiles were pointed at (if not exploding in) nearly every country on earth with the possible exception of Tonga (too tiny and worthless to target) and The Solomon Islands.


In 2015, the Asian penis is rising, shooting upwards, like a North Korean missile (occasional misfiring), or a Chinese “silk” missile. Yes, the long derided Chinese penis, bolstered by rhino horn powder and a massive war chest, military as well as financial, is quietly and sometimes loudly rising all over the world as it buys up resources in Africa and prized companies and buildings in America, lends money to the United States, and enlarges (ahem) its presence (ahem) in the South China Sea. (The Indian penis is rising too, but at a very slow rate, long held back by Gandhian/Victorian values that have seeped deep down into the culture, which now thinks them to be its own heritage; surprisingly, its progress is being arrested by the party in power,